Free-fall...

There's a reason God (via Paul) reminds us in Romans 8 that "Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.”  It's not just a nice platitude or a Scripture we have etched on a plaque on our desktop.  No, the truth is, we need to be reminded.

It's fairly easy for me to accept that external things like "hunger, earthquakes, angels, demons & creation" can't separate me from His love - though, I confess, I haven't been faced with everything on that list.  But these are forces outside of me - things beyond my control - things for which I can't feel guilt or condemnation personally.

But Paul goes on to list "fears for today" and "worries for tomorrow" as part of this list as well.  And honestly, it's these internal inadequacies more so than the external forces that most make me question His love.  Why?  Because I feel I am in control of those, and I am somehow failing to measure up.

For the last six months or more, I've been in a difficult place.  Not a difficult physical place, but a place of internal wrestling and anguish. It's not someplace I would have chosen to go intentionally, but a place I believe God has led me and wants me to walk through.

I confess, however, that it hasn't been pretty. Inside (and some outside) I've kicked and screamed, I've asked "why,” and I've wondered if the journey will be worth it.  I've questioned the depths and consistency of His love for me.

But that's exhausting.  And one day recently, I got tired of it, and I hung all that up.

No, I didn't hang up the process. I didn't hang up my faith.  But I hung up my concern that His love would dry up, get fed up, and walk away from me. I knew I needed to go where I needed to go, and that was to the depths of some places I hadn't gone before. There was no other option. I couldn't turn back.

So I turned to Him and said, "Lord, I have to let myself free-fall here. I'm not going to try to gussy myself up, pretend things are OK, stuff the hard stuff away for another time. I'm spreading my arms out and letting go. And, well, I hope You'll be there.”

Even after nearly a lifetime of walking with Him, I wasn't sure what He'd think or do in those moments. This was different than anything else I'd felt or faced.

But here's what happened next. He didn't turn His head in dismay or disgust when I fell into these deeper canyons of questioning and pain. He didn't think less of me. No. He followed me there.

He is continuing to follow me.  

He is shadowing me - hovering over me and all around me.  I never had to hold myself together at all.  

He is not afraid of the most hidden or most unhealed parts of us. In fact, the opposite is true.  He calls to those places.  I think the magnet of His love pulls the pieces of my brokenness toward His heart.

So, today, maybe you've been trying to hold it together - hoping God or someone else might not notice the pain oozing out of every crack of you. It may feel too raw and exposed to let that part show through - people sometimes can't handle it.  Maybe they've even mishandled your pain.

But God.  He won't.  He never asks us to present the prettiest package of ourselves to Him, only to retreat later and peel off the layers in disgust. He longs to apply a balm of healing as our wounds get exposed to the breeze of His presence.

He says to us - "Nothing can separate you from my love….nothing outside of you and nothing inside of you. I will love you fully and unceasingly - no matter what depths you must experience in order to discover this is fully true."

No matter how long the journey, how dark the cavern, or how far or frightening the free fall, I have to believe it will be worth it.

I know He thinks it is.

Perfect Love can handle a free-fall.  I know.  I still feel the wind whipping against my face.

Join the Conversation: How is He asking you to free-fall and trust His love today?