A Song for my Son: “He Loves You More”
(My son, when he was tiny - opening a door at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs.)
Deeply loving another human being is one of the most vulnerable things we can do while living on this planet. It can be so immensely satisfying and joy-producing, while simultaneously exposing us to the worst kind of anguish imaginable, if that person is harmed or compromised in any way.
To love is to risk. And the more intensely we love, the greater the risk seems to become.
Being a parent - or stepping into a parental role in some other way - is a unique kind of love. It has been said that, once you become a parent, it feels like your heart is walking around outside your body forever.
I have certainly felt that way about my son Christian, as both the ache and the joy can be overwhelming at times. Of course, I wouldn’t trade it for the world! But still…ugh.
My road to parenting was a challenge. After many years of longing for a child, I gratefully became Christian’s Mom when he was adopted at eight and a half months old. This was after he experienced a very tumultuous start to his life. Like most mothers, I threw my heart and soul into mothering. I celebrated his small victories and grieved his sorrows and struggles. I longed for him to know unconditional love and have a sense of overarching protection and deep value. I always will.
In 2015-2016, after walking through a divorce and a subsequent custody battle, I felt like someone had stuck their fist through my chest, grabbed my heart, and twisted it. My son was allowed to move cross country to Michigan, far from his home in Colorado, and far from me. My sorrow was gut-wrenching and my pain visceral. The Lord was my consolation, yes. But nothing could soothe my ache. I felt so out of control and so unable to care for and protect my son the way I longed to do.
As the last several years have passed by, I’ve been forced to parent mostly from a distance. There has been so much that has been 100% beyond my control. Sometimes there is simply nothing I can do but cry, pray, believe for the best, and just keep loving.
Over time, the Lord has helped me re-posture my heart and reframe the situation in new ways. Don’t get me wrong - it’s still very painful. But He has blessed me with clearer perspective and a measure of supernatural peace. Of course, I always knew cognitively how much the Lord loves Christian. But He began to bring deep reassurance and a realization that there is no way for me to humanly fathom the amount of love He has for my son - and that God’s love can be fully trusted, even when I feel entirely out of control.
You see, my love for Christian is just a drop in a bucket compared to God’s love for Him. And if I - as his earthly parent - want Christian to be protected, loved, surrounded, provided for, and healed, then how much more does our Heavenly Father want those things for him in even greater measure? (Matt. 7: 9-11)
It’s hard to believe, but Christian just turned eighteen, and he is very much on the cusp of his journey as an adult. I still feel powerless in many ways, but I do have a deep sense of trust in the Lord’s immeasurable love for my son.
During this time of year, there are many parents “letting go” of their kids for the first time - or maybe for the umpteenth time. Some are headed off to camp or to their first sleepover at a friend’s house. Some are crossing state lines or oceans heading to college or living on their own. Some may not be following the Lord right now and are on a path that, as a parent, you can see is not ultimately bringing them life.
But here’s what’s true: We can only do so much. We can speak truth. We can pray and pray and pray some more. We can guide and hope and love. We can plant many seeds. But we don’t ultimately have control. Actually, we never really did. It only felt that way because they were under our roof. But control is such an illusion. The love of our Father, however, is no illusion. Our loved ones are safe in the Father’s arms. And there is no fear in the perfect love of Christ. (I John 4:18)
As a part of my journey and my healing, and as a reminder to me and to my son, I wrote and recorded this song called “He Loves You More,” which appears on my new project “Loved.” I’m truly hoping it will be an encouragement to each one of us who needs to remember, first and foremost…He loves them more. ❤️
I also created a video on YouTube for “He Loves You More” (which includes the lyrics), and I would love for you to watch it and allow the message of the song to wash over you. If you feel led to share the link, please do. I know there are a lot of us in this boat. Also, here is a link to access the free lyrics on my website, if that would be meaningful to you. Here’s just a sample of a few of the lyrics:
I’m placing you in the arms of the Father / You are safest there / And I’m praying today for all your tomorrows / Casting every care / If you could see, see what I see / Your beautiful heart / Shining right back at me / CHORUS: Child, how He loves you / Oh, how He loves You / I pray this one thing you will know to your core / He’ll never leave you / He won’t forsake you / And as much as I love you, He loves you more / And as much as I love you, He loves you more…(1st verse & chorus)
“He Loves You More” releases on all streaming platforms on Friday, May 26th, so you can also save it to your playlists, wherever you stream. (here’s the link to the Spotify pre-save for “He Loves You More”)
Join the Conversation!
What about you? What’s your story of learning (or trying!) to let go and trusting your loved one (whether young or old) to the Lord’s loving care? I’d love it if you’d leave a comment and share where you are on your journey. What has helped you? What has been the hardest part? How has the Lord met you on the road?
Thank you for walking with me! ❤️ -SJA
